Pitter Patter on my window pane

Whenever rain falls from the sky, I wonder if God is crying. I wonder if all the heavenly angels are sitting on clouds mourning with our Father, feeling the pain in His heart.
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It's been such a long time since I've been back on this blog. It has been a great new year. A fresh start in 2011. And already it's the middle of February! Wow, time sure flies. I should just throw some butter out the window too to see if the butter flies. (Get it? BUTTERFLIES?! :)harharhar)

When people ask me how I feel, I just say, "I'm good." I wonder how much of that the people believe. I usually just say that because I really don't feel like responding or I am too lazy to say something else.

Last week was one of the hardest weeks I ever had to face before. It was one of those, "Did hell break loose?!" moments in my life.

When I started the year off, I promised God that I would come back to Him. Last semester was so difficult for me; it was the lowest point of my life where I was even considering death as an option. I have never seen suicide as an option, but it was becoming to be more and more appealing to me during that time. I kept on using phrases such as, "I want to throw myself out this window RIGHT NOW." People would laugh it off, thinking it was just a figure of speech. But sometimes I wondered.

After a great three weeks break back home, back with my family and friends, back to my old church, I couldn't help but break down. I loved being home and just sleeping away every night. I wanted an escape. I was broken it every aspect of my life; I started to drink, I started to go back to those bad habits, I ate uncontrollably, I even started to stay out later doing random things.

But God, through the storm, comforted me.

I came back to campus, and I just prayed. I turned back to the Bible, I cried, I sang praise songs, I begged on my knees for God to take me back because I couldn't bare being alone anymore. And God took me back wholeheartedly; no regrets, no questions. Just out of love. Because God is that Good.

I felt that my relationship with God has reached a new high. I knew He would be with me. Then a campus christian group was going on a retreat. I wanted to go but I was financially in a slump. However it shocked me one day when a friend called me and told me that she was at a meeting discussing about who was going on the retreat. She suggested putting my name down. I was so shocked because it was a call from God. He really wanted me to go. And I didn't know why. I thought we were at a good place, but it just seemed like an urgent message to me. So I said yes and went willingly.

The retreat: awesome. Not only was it a time of bonding with other fellow christians, it was a time to just walk away from academics and focus on God. see what He had in store for me. He showed me His love, His compassion, and His grace. It was an amazing weekend and I was at a good healthy spiritual high walking with Jesus. I still didn't know what God's purpose was though. I assumed fellowship, but that just didn't seem to be it. I was missing something that God was doing under the radar.

I went back to campus, again devoting my time and effort on God. Then my father ended up in the hospital. He couldn't keep his food down, the doctor kept him all night, and released him 24 hours later. My father couldn't eat because he had to go through all the different tests. I just broke down again, praying to God to save him. Praying that this would be a minor hump, a small bump in the road where God was testing my faith. I prayed. and prayed. and prayed. I made a shoutout to people who could pray with me. I revealed a weak side of me to my friends, and we grew closer together through that event. We prayed as a group. Thursday, Friday, Saturday I kept calling to see where my father was. It was such a huge rollercoaster ride that I couldn't stop crying in the library. Every moment of my time was a fluctuating cry, prayer, smile, cry, prayer, smile.

Saturday night: Major weeping in my room.
Save my father. Please save my father. A plead that broke my heart. It was the third day, and I prayed that this is where God will show His glory and be glorified. And He did.

My father came home from the hospital - ate, was able to keep His food down. Thank God. Then crying again because I was overwhelmed with God's love, His peace, and His protection. My heart just settled down. Then literally 5 seconds after my last prayer I get a call from my closest friend from back home telling me her grandfather died.

Repeat process.

That weekend was such a horrible weekend. I got absolutely nothing done other than have a spiritual war with God. And with that experience, I just stand humbled at his presence. It was afterwards a friend emailed me and said that she was so happy to see me at the retreat. It was as if God had a plan for what was to happen. Then God revealed to me why He sent me to the retreat. He knew what was going to happen and that I would not be able to handle it alone. He needed me to trust Him, trust in my brothers and sisters, trust in everything good. Looking back, if I had to do it all over again, I don't think I would have pull through it. God's grace was just so amazing, undescribable. Amen.

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So the purpose of this blog wasn't to only share what was going on with my life, but also to share with you guys what I have been reading in the Bible.

Here is 2 Corinthians chapter 3:

1 Are we beginning to commend ourselves again? Or do we need, like some people, letters of recommendation to you or from you? 2 You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everyone. 3 You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.

How AWESOME is that verse right there? I am a letter from Christ - written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God. I was MEANT to be a message of the living God. To write on the hearts of humans.

It just hit me hard. I have so many of my friends who are not Christians or who suffer from being a Christian or who have turned away from the faith altogether. Last night I went to a "concert of prayer" meeting where all we did was pray to God and praise God. A great night. One thing that really awaken me was when we were praying for our friends and family who did not know God. Funny thing though - I prayed more for my friends than my parents, who are also not Christians. I totally forgot about praying for my parents at some point because God started opening my eyes to why my friends needed Christ. I saw friend#1's face - her mother is Christian but she herself does not believe in God. I saw her joining a campus club because she wanted a relationship with people. Then God revealed to me why. God wants to be the source of her wants and needs because only He can provide for her. Friend#2 kept jumping from one relationship to another - never finding it satisfying. God revealed to me how she was also yearning for a greater fulfillment - which is found only through Christ. Friend#3 turned away from God and wants to go back but cannot find her way back. Friend#4 rejects Christ all together but just ended up in a new relationship. Friend#5 finds it difficult to believe that only one person can save us. How we call out for Jesus and ask for forgiveness and we can go to heaven. Friend after friend - faces quickly flipped in my mind of those that God was calling out to. I didn't realize how much God was working through me though. Every time I hung out with them, sometimes Christianity came up. Friend after friend my God was trying to reach out to them. It must have been difficult to reach out to especially when I started to act just as worldly. How could I be telling others about leaning on Christ if I stopped leaning on Him too?

This verse just opened my eyes to how precious we all are to Him. He shares His love because it's so abundant. and it overflows.

4 Such confidence we have through Christ before God. 5 Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. 6 He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.

Sometimes I felt stuck in a corner when talking to non-Christians about God. I just didn't know what to say because I was trying so hard not to offend them in a way, but at the same time stay true to God's words. It is a tough situation where I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. But God shows that we do not do it ourselves. We are not competent to do anything by ourselves, but God gives strength. His words and His strength flows through us, so the message can be heard loud and clear.

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I have tried hard with my own strength to reach out to my friends and family, but to no prevail. It is through God all things are done.

For all those Christians out there who are suffering and feel confused on how to reach out to others, here is what you can do to not feel so helpless.
1) Pray.
2)Hang out with them. I spent a lot of time these days just "coincidently" meeting up with them, eating food, "coincidently" talking about Jesus, and "coincidently" talking about christian groups on campus. I don't believe in coincidences, and it's just God's way of saying that even in those situations YOU don't make it happen. It's all God.
3)Pray.
4)Just listen to the other person. Open your mind to where THEY are coming from. You see a new perspective, which God reveals to you. It might also make you struggle a bit with your own faith, but be strong in the Spirit. He will guide and reassure. He will show you how the other person feels. And it is a very interesting feeling actually. And it's pretty funny because if you guys are hanging out together and you JUST LISTEN, the other person just OPENS UP THEIR WHOLE LIFE IN FRONT OF YOU. It's actually pretty amazing. They just can't stop talking. And you know then that God is helping in that situation.
5)Pray
6)Offer some---------. I say this because it all depends. I sometimes don't know what to say to them after they told me everything. I might not be able to relate so I can't give them good advices, they might hate God/be atheists so I don't want them to tune me out because I quoted a Bible verse or anything, or just walk out on you. I myself do not know what to do in these situations, so all I really do is pray silent prayers, asking for God's advice in these situations.
7)pray.

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These past few days I just felt God using me for His glory. Whatever I did it was with a purpose. I don't know about you, but for me, I love doing something with a purpose.

A great movie called "Facing the Giants" has a famous quote: If we win, we praise Him. and if we lose, we praise Him.

So even if there is a storm - lets face it together with our Heavenly Father who cares. Lets put on our rainboots and go jumping in the puddles together. :)